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Friends

How to talk to an abused friend

Family

I cringe when I think back to how I used to talk to domestic violence victims. I was a newly qualified doctor. At 26 years of age, I was dealing with life and death on a daily basis, long before I had any real-life experience. Such was the clarity of my convictions when I met my first battered woman in the emergency room. Her drunken husband had broken her jaw. “You must leave him,” I said. “Mm,” she said. “One woman dies every eight hours at the hands of her partner. He might kill you if you stay, ” I…

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The spirit of community

Family

Simon and Garfunkel sang “I am a rock, I am an island” in the 60’s. Concepts like autonomy, self-reliance, winning and individuation have all been useful in carrying mankind forward. “Tall poppies” are no longer cut down, but celebrated. You no longer have to feel bad for being ambitious beyond your circumstance, or for putting yourself first. The pendulum might have swung out a bit far; there has been a cost to this kind of mindset. Loneliness and isolation are on the rise. In a US survey, the number of adults with zero confidants has tripled since the 80’s. Adults, especially…

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What science says about bullying

Friends

The thought of your child being bullied is enough to make a parent’s blood boil. With good reason. The consequences of bullying can be devastating and long-lasting on the psyche. Sometimes the outcome can even be violent – bullying has often been quoted as a contributing cause in suicide and school shootings. With such overwhelming feelings, how can we as adults take informed actions? Fortunately, the scientific community has been researching this very question. When studying a behaviour, the first thing we have to do is define it. What is bullying? Psychological research says that it is a behaviour that…

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Help! My boss is a narcissist!

Family

There are many arrogant, grandiose bosses. When I look at the CEO superstars, it seems as if success in many Western corporations requires some level of self-aggrandisement and ruthless ambition. That does not mean that every jerk boss is a narcissist. Narcissistic personality disorder is a diagnosable entity. Its salient features are a sense of deep entitlement and rage when this entitlement is not met. A narcissistic boss who believes that you are not on their side will make your life a living hell. But it usually does not start at this point. The gift that dealing with personality disorders gives us…

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Help! My girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder

Family

It’s so easy to fall in love with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The early stages of the relationship are so passionate and intense. Initially, she adores you and idealises you completely. She is much more vulnerable and creative than the other girls you know. (Men can also have BPD, although it does occur slightly more commonly in women. I could just as easily have entitled this blog: “Help! My boyfriend has BPD”). Very soon though, you are the source of all her pain and suffering. You are everything that is wrong in the world. You are not entirely sure…

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Personality disorders (Pd’s) and why we need to know about them

Family

We have all been in situations with people who are toxic. Sometimes it gets out of hand and can cause deep psychological distress or can even be dangerous. The critical and belittling spouse (obsessive- compulsive pd), the girlfriend who manipulates with suicide attempts (borderline pd), the boss whose own advancement is at your cost (narcissistic pd). These kinds of situations are repeatedly set up by the same ten percent of the population. The ten percent who suffer from personality disorders. People with severe personality disorders seem incapable of maintaining honest, mature relationships and seem hell bent on self-serving justifications. Considering the…

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Obsessional love- when sacred becomes profane

Family

I am sure that most of us can remember a time when we dipped our toes into the murky waters of love obsession. We would practically stalk the object of our love, hanging around their haunts, in the hope of “bumping” into them. Maybe it was more extreme. Maybe we lost sleep waiting for “that” phone call. It was highly intoxicating and anxiety inducing. Hopefully, age has given us the wisdom and experience of love which is easy and nurtures growth and self-esteem. Through the years I have had a few patients in my practice suffering from the throes of…

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